The resignation of the latest chair of the child abuse commision shows how little importance the establishment has to deal with widespread abuse against children and women within society at large. Traditional male behaviour with its banter, its put downs and its perception of women and other individuals all contribute to a soxuietuy where it is easier to be male than to not be. Take a look at facebook pages, at Tweets at traditional views. Consider still how many men are made insercure still by the Lesbian, gay bisexual and Transgender communities. Our swear words are either originally sexual in nature or are of a religious nature. Three thousantn years of ancient Greek Misofygny and Abrahamic faiths have contributed to all of this. Pornography is a product of this objectivisation of the other, yet people and particularly men fear erotica and intimacy. Often in therapy men and usually straightmen need to be helped to communicate emotions and feelings. Latest figures suggest that up to 7% of all people have been the subject of sexual abuse.The establishment needs to face up to the reality of domestic abuse and child sexual abuse. Just as it took Hillsborough all these years to have the truth revealed so it is taking years to expose sexual abuse and domestic abuse. I wonder if Theresa May would have become Prime-minister had the resignationfter Dame Lowell Goddard. Occurred a month ago. I would like to see someone like Michael Mansfield be appointed to this position. But I guess that would cause fear everywhere. In my practice I meet the victims of abuse everyday. I think of a recent case I heard where a man twice his partners weight kicked her in the back fracturing it. His response was simply that she wad thrown something at him. Men have it easy we can merge back in to the mass of masculinity. There is a hint always a hint of violence lurking behind patriarchal power and it is no accident that historically patriarchy was applied at the same time we created slavery and domesticated animals. Its also no accident that any challenge to authority frequently brings about the threat of violence or violence itself.
Men who abuse their partners are usually passive and dependent individuals. They find it difficult to express emotions and to deal with anger in nonviolent ways. Often, they did not have a close relationship with their mother. They may never have formed a close, warm, intimate relationship with a woman at all. Men who abuse their partners often have low self-esteem and their wives do as well. Power and control are also essential features in the dynamics of spouse abuse.
A woman abuser tends to be filled with anger, resentment, suspicion, tension and fear. Often he may simply be displacing his anger about his situation or circumstances onto his wife. He is, in essence, using her as a vent for the frustrations of his life. He believes that home is one place where he can express those feelings without punishment to himself. For instance, anger with his work or fellow employee couldn’t be acted upon without dire circumstances. Yet, all too often he gets away without penalty when he beats his partner. She becomes the target of his vengeance, and he gets the satisfaction he is looking for.
The abusive husband often exhibits the following traits:
1. He has low self esteem.
2. He blames circumstances for his problems and does not assume personal responsibility for his actions.
3. He is pathologically jealous, and often exhibits a dual personality.
4. He has severe stress reactions, during which he uses drinking and partner-battering to cope.
5. He frequently uses sex as an act of aggression to enhance his self-esteem in view of waning virility.
6. The abusive man demonstrates unpredictable behavior, belittles his partner, rages with uncontrolled anger and later often asks for a second chance.
7. Abusive husbands are chameleons. They say they will change and will not hit again. They play on their wives' guilt (If you loved me, you would….)
8. Outwardly, the abuser may seem charming, gregarious and even gentle to family members. But beneath the surface they dislike women and believe that “a woman’s place is in the home and that men have the right to control women.”
9. They often witnessed abuse in their home growing up, and frequently abuse their children as well.
Most women suffer these attacks for years before they finally determine to take steps to keep from being victims or further abuse.
1. He has low self esteem.
2. He blames circumstances for his problems and does not assume personal responsibility for his actions.
3. He is pathologically jealous, and often exhibits a dual personality.
4. He has severe stress reactions, during which he uses drinking and partner-battering to cope.
5. He frequently uses sex as an act of aggression to enhance his self-esteem in view of waning virility.
6. The abusive man demonstrates unpredictable behavior, belittles his partner, rages with uncontrolled anger and later often asks for a second chance.
7. Abusive husbands are chameleons. They say they will change and will not hit again. They play on their wives' guilt (If you loved me, you would….)
8. Outwardly, the abuser may seem charming, gregarious and even gentle to family members. But beneath the surface they dislike women and believe that “a woman’s place is in the home and that men have the right to control women.”
9. They often witnessed abuse in their home growing up, and frequently abuse their children as well.
Most women suffer these attacks for years before they finally determine to take steps to keep from being victims or further abuse.
The first step for a woman to take is to admit to herself that she is being abused and that she is not being treated fairly. She has the right to feel safe from physical harm, especially in her own home. No one, including a husband, has the right to hurt another individual. In addition, abused women need to work on their self-image with a trusted counselor or pastor in order to develop better feelings about themselves. John Burnside says of male authority when talking about hi sfather “My father was one of those men who sit in a room and you can feel it: the simmer, the sense of some unpredictable force that might, at any moment, break loose, and do something terrible. [Burnside, p. 27]”
― John Burnside, A Lie About My Father: A Memoir
― John Burnside, A Lie About My Father: A Memoir
The real question is how we face up to these issudes of child sexual abuse and the incease of domestic abuse between partners. It is un comfortable reading for us all and asks that denial be denied.
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